[ There was a time when they'd gotten so unbelievably high that Nate could hardly tell up from down, his body from Ian's, his mind from the pulsing energy around them. He had pushed in close, tugged by the invisible strings connecting their hands and joints, recalls with crystal clarity to smear of the paint and the ricochet of sharp exhales echoing in his skull. He pulled Ian's palm to his chest and told him without telling him to listen. To understand.
And he did.
And he can't do that anymore.
Nate's fingertips tense against the fabric of Ian's shirt and he nudges in, welcomed by the gesture but suddenly feeling far, far too raw for it. Even without the bond it's like swaying on that clifftop in Panama and he wants to scream with the frustration of it, that he can't see the way he's supposed to see, that he couldn't take one of the few good things that stupid world gave him. Fuck them. ]
Okay.
[ He doesn't believe it. He believes Ian will dedicate time and attention to it, that he'll do his best and work hard to find a solution, but the likelihood of solving the problem instead of just trying to learn to live with it is the reality that neither of them really want to face right now.
Just as swiftly as this wavering comes it fades again, old defense mechanisms clicking into place before he can help it. ]
no subject
And he did.
And he can't do that anymore.
Nate's fingertips tense against the fabric of Ian's shirt and he nudges in, welcomed by the gesture but suddenly feeling far, far too raw for it. Even without the bond it's like swaying on that clifftop in Panama and he wants to scream with the frustration of it, that he can't see the way he's supposed to see, that he couldn't take one of the few good things that stupid world gave him. Fuck them. ]
Okay.
[ He doesn't believe it. He believes Ian will dedicate time and attention to it, that he'll do his best and work hard to find a solution, but the likelihood of solving the problem instead of just trying to learn to live with it is the reality that neither of them really want to face right now.
Just as swiftly as this wavering comes it fades again, old defense mechanisms clicking into place before he can help it. ]
No rush, I'm here for the foreseeable future.